Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
