it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
