i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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