T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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