her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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