Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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