Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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