it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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