i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
