remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
