This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
