Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
