My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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