My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
