Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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