So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
