mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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