Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
