you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
