woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
