call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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