she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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