So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
