I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
