this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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