I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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