Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
