I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
