If that was your dad, he is hot
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
