Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
