On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
