The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
