she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
