im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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