i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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