i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
