Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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