Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
