he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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