Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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