he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
