ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
