Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
