I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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