Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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