he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
