If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
