i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
