i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
