i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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