Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Randomize
