my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I am spending my child support on dildos
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
vagina is talking i cant
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
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