I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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